I possibly did something a little foolhardy last week. I’d been thinking a great deal on the last interaction I had with the person from my church whom I (misguidedly) confided in, when I was at my illest last year year, who subsequently broke my confidence (apparently I was suicidal enough to justify that, whilst leaving me alone, knowing that she was going to do that was absolutely fine…..cue dangerous situation) and made it incredibly difficult to both access the help I needed, and also go back to my church at all. We haven’t spoken since – although I sent thank-you emails after a sermon she gave to the students, she didn’t reply. It’s been pretty awkward. I don’t feel bitter or angry about it (though some of my friends would still quite happily lynch her) – but it felt so unclosed that I needed to do something.
So – I wrote her a letter, basically apologising for putting her in a difficult situation, but also asking that if she finds herself confronted with someone in a similar situation again, that she acts differently, as if someone is serious enough that you need to get someone else involved – they shouldn’t be left alone, and also that if she’s going to volunteer for being a pastoral support to someone, that she honours that by answering emails and actually getting back to them when they need it. We’re all learning – I am learning, you, reader, are learning, and she is learning – but there are some places where acting incorrectly puts someone else in danger, and I think people need to know where they’ve gone wrong so they can do better the next time. Last year was a mess, and no one knows that more than myself. To move forward though, we have to repair what’s gone before as best we can, we have to put the protections in place to prevent history repeating itself. We are all learning. I also said that I still pray for her, and that I am sure God will use her and her faith.
I’m not sure at all what I expected back – maybe just a short note saying that next time, she would better know what to do when faced with someone in crisis, maybe even an apology if I’m perfectly honest. I got a one-line email informing she’d received the letter and no other comment. Harsh? Possibly. There’s not much grace, there.
In some ways, this demonstrates well that I am better off with her having absolutely no involvement in my life, faith, illness, or recovery. It also shows that as I knew, we are very different people, and that I am glad for that, because I wouldn’t want to be like she is. When I first met her, I thought she had such a good faith and was such a ‘good Christian’. Now, I am not so sure. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I am not short on compassion (possibly over-imbued with it, at times) and I am not ashamed to admit mistakes and learn from them. Her reaction says a lot about her, I think. I hope that she does learn something, from our encounter – and sometimes I think that maybe that was God’s plan from it, that something good could come from my deep despair, that someone could benefit from my deep depression.
In other news, I saw the GP again on Tuesday and after hearing (and seeing my panda eyes) that I’ve literally not slept since starting the sertraline, she gave me some zopiclone (non-addictive sleeping tablets) to try. I was pretty wary of them, but after trying one, slept so much better and felt so much more alert the next day, that I think it’s ok to use them to get me through the adjustment period on the new medication. I’m still feeling very nauseous and am generally very flat, but I’m hoping that if I sleep better (ie at all), things will improve.
I also met with the organiser of the paeds module this week as mostly due to said lack of sleep, I’ve just not been performing that well and have struggled to get everything ticked off. He was so lovely it took me by surprise – everyone else from the medical school has made me feel like a slacker, or a problem, or a weakling, but he was so kind, and knowing that I don’t need to panic quite so much about everything makes a huge difference. Hearing someone say ‘it’s not your fault, well done for getting things in place, and let’s see what we can do to make this easier’ was something I needed to hear. I’m so thankful for him.
So – it’s been a mixed week of blessings (at last, a lovely GP who listens and acts), the paeds guy, and some of my friends, who have been wonderful – and this not-quite-closure of the letter and its response. I feel like I did right though, by writing, even if the response wasn’t quite what I expected.
thanks, guys.
I love hearing how things are going with you, Char. Thank you for sharing. I think you did real well handling the letter and response. And loved that the paeds doctor was so great too! 🙂 Some good things . . .blessings! Praying you get the sleep you so need! God bless you!
thanks Debbie- still not sleeping that well, but only three days of placement to go before a proper break!
Sounds like things are looking better for you this week Char – so glad to hear that. I think you’ve shown far more grace than I did with the response (or lack really) you got from your letter. I hope that they do learn from it. I know that over the years there are pastoral things I could have handled better, even things at my work that I could have handled better. it’s tough when the mistakes you make could affect other people, but hopefully we can still learn from them so that – as you say – we do better next time.
There are a lot of people in the church who are great at seeming like they have it all sorted. The truth is no-one does, and I’m always suspicious of anyone acts as if their life & faith is good 100% of the time because that’s not real life.
Praying for continued good doc-patient relationship with the lovely GP and for sleep and rest for you!
Thanks Laurie – to be honest, I think it actually just confirmed that it was her with the problem and not me – for so much of last year, I felt pretty ostracised at church as she made me feel as though I was so in the wrong for feeling as I did – so her response in a way, reminds me that the ‘problem’ wasn’t me, but her attitude. I feel better about it now that I’ve let her know that I think she acted foolishly and caused a lot of hurt and can only hope that she takes something from that, so someone else doesn’t have to have a similar experience. As someone who mentors younger students, I know how hard pastoral stuff can be, and like everyone, have certainly made mistakes myself – but I don’t have much patience with, or understand, people unable to admit and learn from them. I also sort of assume that she got some form of telling off about it, from the person she reported to. And I’m not sure I’ve shown that much grace – I’ve just written her off as a bad egg!
“I don’t have much patience with, or understand, people unable to admit and learn from them”
– Me too. In terms of grace, I guess that is the part for full closure. You’ve written and said your piece, hopefully if if she hasn’t fully responded to you, she HAS had some kind of supervision and has prayed about it and learned from it.
I guess whenever I’ve been in a similar situation to you – someone has hurt me, I try and deliberately make choices to pray that God would bless them (even though the bitter vindictive side of me wants them not to be because I want them to hurt like I’ve been by them) and if appropriate, to be nice and treat them how I wish they’d treated me. I find it tough, and do have to ‘fake it til I make it’, but it’s worth it in the end because it frees me once I’ve actually forgiven them and tried to let them and me move on from it.