I kind of feel like I’ve stepped back into the fire since I got back from my trip away – as though a week of peace tricked me into a false sense of stability, and that letting things go for a week just made them come back amplified when I turned my attention to them once again.
In church on Sunday evening, I found myself crying and crowded out, the first time I’ve had that total, overbearing feeling of weight, that leaves me short of breath and panicking, thinking, pleasegodjustmakeeverythingstopandslowdownbecauseimjustnotbigenoughforthisanditstoomuch
I’m finding it hard at the moment with F and her depression, alongside trying to get myself as firmly sorted as I can. It’s exhausting. And sometimes, just sometimes, I can’t bear to be kind and clear and brave and supportive when she talks about ‘not wanting to give in’ and go for counselling, or ‘being strong enough to not need or benefit from it’. Sometimes, after cheering her up and stopping her crying, it’s me that ends up crying next door – I’m not nice enough to fully accept that she doesn’t mean to cause offence or that it’s not a personal gibe at me and my issues. Part of me just wants to start yelling that if she thinks I ‘gave up’ last year, she’s bloody wrong. If she thinks it’s an easy option, she’s wrong. If she thinks it takes more courage to bury her head and not try something that’s pretty well evidenced to work, than give it a shot, she’s wrong. Sometimes I get so annoyed that I can’t get away from depression at all, whether its mine or someone elses. I just want it to leave me alone. I just want to have a few months where it doesn’t rule every thing I do and think about, and choose. I’m no saint. I’m running dry again. I wish I could handle this better.
I’ve also realised that the last few weeks have been so busy and irregular and stressful, that once again, I’ve got myself off the right road and I’m feeling lost. I’m panicking. I stopped fixing on God, and lost sight of him. There’s been so much to think about that I didn’t notice when I stopped praying and stopped talking. And although I know it should be easy to get back, for some reason I just feel blocked off and shut off, shut out. And I feel like I need someone who knows me and know about last year to pray for me, and pray the right things, but there’s no-one at church I trust enough with it, not after last year. I feel like I need to find the way back home, back to God, but I can’t see it. It doesn’t feel right. I usually hate being prayed for, due to a combination of hating feeling like I’m the ‘centre of attention’ (please don’t look me in the eye, God), and other reasons. But right now, I feel like I need it. Right now, I feel like I need someone alongside.
As of next week, I will have been a Christian for two years, and yet so often I still feel so green and uncertain. After last year, depression moved my faith backwards and I had to unravel all of the wrong things it fed me. My faith is a panicking faith, an onmygoodnesspleasehelpgodpleasehelp faith. My faith, and the things depression did with it, almost killed me last year. My faith, and all the things God did with me, got me through, last year. And yet, at the moment, I feel like I’m shouting against white noise, into the wind. I’m trying to be still, and know. I’m still learning. I have so much to learn. I have too much, to learn.
Great post. Thanks for sharing your journey.
thanks Mike, I checked your blog out too – will be coming back!
Char,
I was linked to your blog by a friend the other day and in the past couple of days I’ve read through most of your posts and I’ve been fascinated – there has been so much going on for you…
I hope you’ll welcome my comments – I’ll be posting more! But I just wanted to start by saying that ‘dry patches’ in faith are so common – however long you’ve been a Christian. Being comfortable and secure with our faith is not easy. I know I’ve made the mistake of taking it for granted before and found it’s a long road back when things get shaky. But God is there, always there, always listening, always watching, waiting for the tricky moments to pass – as they will do. Leading us in some way, whether we are fully aware of it or not. So don’t panic – take a deep breath, ride the storm and you’ll come through the other side. With God on side, that is one thing that is certain.
I’m no expert when it comes to depression, but what I do understand of it is that it does its best to suck away any positivity we have, letting darkness replace it. I know it causes people to turn away and to rile against things, to stop them from thinking or seeing clearly. Having read your previous posts, I’m sure you know that better than anyone.
I’m in the middle of starting a new blog of my own, I think you might find it interesting (well hopefully!) – I’ll post you a link once I get it going.
Every blessing,
OTP
Hi OTP – thanks for taking the time to comment, and read this blog. The encouragement I get from readers is often such a boost, particularly at the moment. Please send me your blog link once it’s going, I’d love to read it – though it seems to me that whether you’re actively working formally as a pastor or not, you’re still shepherding in your own way – I don’t think true pastors ever stop. love, char.
Char, I can so relate to this right now: “Sometimes I get so annoyed that I can’t get away from depression at all, whether its mine or someone elses. I just want it to leave me alone.” I still feel that way sometimes, seems a lot lately. But I know it will never completely leave me alone, and that is why I must cling to God as my Rock and my Fortress. I can never hope to go it alone; I can only hope and trust He will always be there. Prayer is such an important part of that. If I miss a single day of my morning prayers, it takes a few days to get them back on track. I try to never miss a day, but that takes effort and discipline, and leads me back to clinging to God.
A lot of other things have been on my mind and taken up my prayer time lately (partly some others who are struggling with depression, too), but I will remember to include you in my prayers over the next few days. I’d like to promise more, but I’m not sure I’d be able to follow through with all else that is going on. I’m even having trouble finding time to read all the blogs I love and keep up on everything. But never forget that even when you don’t “feel” like He is there, God will never leave you nor forsake you. He loves you. Peace, Linda
thanks Linda – it means a lot, though I’m sad to hear things are a bit complicated at your end, at the moment – hope things get easier in the next wee while, xxchar
Char, I feel like you are stronger at 2years into your faith than many are at 20. Maybe because you’ve been through the fire and are still in the heat of it all. I’ve had to think lately about whenever we have a victory of any kind in Him, there is always the enemy right there to try to kick our feet out from under us. I’m praying right now, for His strength in your weakness, when depression keeps showing up at every turn and you’ve simply had enough. Praying for grace to cover you as you interact and minister to your flat mate . . .when you don’t have it in you, that He will do it through you. I’ve written your name down and will do my best to carry it with me, to remind myself to PRAY always. Love you and I know He loves you more!
thanks for your wisdom, Debbie – and your care. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we all have wobbles and that faith is never straightforward – it’s so easy to get caught up in our own lives (at least, it is for me!). thanks, and love, char
Linda, I can relate to you…
I have struggled intensly with this horrible on-going depression.
I don’t understand, hope deferred makes the heart sick and I don’t know why God has allowed this. I feel like I was freer in my old nature, the older I get the more messed up I seem to get.
I apologise for this depressing note, your already struggling enough..
I well ask the Lord to remind me of you that I can pray for you.
Reina