The bonus of being the wrong side of ‘ok’

First of all, thank you to everyone who replied either to my last post, or more personally (those few of you who know me in ‘real life’) – thank you for sticking with me, and being so kind. Thank you for praying.

I met ‘the dragon’ again yesterday to discuss the issues with my project (which hopefully are on the way to being rectified – cannot even state how much I despise technology at the moment). She’s been very clear since December that I would have to resit the entire medical year if this project is not 1) in on time and 2) up to standard – even if all other requirements were passed. I’m not going to underplay how much this has stressed me out, not least because restarting the year two weeks after finishing it and having to retake exams I’ve already done well in, would be a real case of rubbing salt in the wound, in addition to the expense of another year of university, and having to come clean to my parents who know nothing about the last eight months. Yesterday however, it seems that I finally convinced her that I’m not trying to take the medical school for a ride and that I actually have a pretty legitimate excuse – she’s said that should the worst come to the worst, I could probably just extend the deadline more, which I really don’t see why that couldn’t have always been the case….obviously, I’ve been working desperately to do everything required, but having someone sit a year again isn’t really in anyone’s benefit if it’s for a research project, when you look at how much it costs to train someone in medical school.  There’s no way I would chose to keep on with the project even more (already sick to the teeth of it) but it’s still a relief. Just knowing that has taken quite a weight off – I still have a crazy amount to do, but at least when I’m working for my next exam (covering no less than 6 different specialties…..thank you, medical school) I don’t have it at the back of my mind that even if I pass, I may be working in vain. It annoys me that the stance of the support committee seems to be to assume that students are manipulative and just out to get extensions/special considerations they don’t deserve, until you really prove that you’re not only messed up, but have been messed up for months, and will continue to be for some time. Penalising someone really doesn’t help.  Their previous stance has kept me awake at night for months, and been the thing that’s come closest to pushing me over an edge – I’d like to know if they think it’s worth it, if all the policy achieves is putting a few fakers off. Rant over.

I’m still feeling rocky and this week hasn’t gone well really – I ended up leaving my choir practise as I just couldn’t cope with it and was starting to cry, and then made a rare decision to skip a clinic yesterday as I was feeling so emotionally labile that I didn’t think sitting and talking to someone with terminal illness was that sensible – I’m lucky that as a student I can get away with it now and again as once (if etc) I become a doctor, that won’t be an option. I’m deciding whether to have a rest from church for a while, even just a week, as again, it often just proves too much for me, and I end up feeling worse and worse when I don’t ask for prayer, or take communion, or find it in myself to sing – and if I feel much more negative about myself, it could get messy. As I’ve written before, somehow, feeling cut off and isolated at church, is much worse than anywhere else. It’s like being disconnected from the pulse of the world, like drowning and not understanding how everyone around you is managing to breathe, but just knowing that for some reason, you can’t, the secret isn’t there for you to find.

I had a text message from L yesterday asking how I was – and haven’t replied yet as I don’t know what to say. I don’t really like being in touch between sessions either – which I think is why she makes a point of trying to get hold of me as apparently I compartmentalise far too much and try to put different parts of my life in separate places so that I don’t feel overwhelmed, and this is yet another abberrent coping mechanism (I’m in possession of quite the collection, considering Ebay…). Fascinating as this revelation may be, I’d prefer it if outside of that Monday afternoon hour, I could not feel quite so bound by it, particularly after this week, and if anything, being hassled will only make me less likely to get in touch. When I’m ‘well’, my determination and tenacity are two of the few things I like about myself – I can push projects forward, take initiative, pull others alongside me, but when I’m low, all that determination and head-strongedness manifests as petulence and thinking I know better – I won’t ring L if I’m feeling terrible, or anyone else for that matter. I won’t ring the GP’s for an appointment, I won’t listen, I won’t trust people with my thoughts. I get annoyed and irritable when my flatmates try to check in if I’m out later than usual, even though I know that it’s because they worry I’m wandering around in the dark somewhere, and not because I’m staying late at the library – but my mind says, ‘it’s my choice, if I want to sit in a nature reserve in the dark and be miserable, I’m going to bloody do it, who are you to try and stop me?’ . I hold fiercely to my independance, when the whole point of the last while has been admitting that I can’t do it alone – I need people onside, I need people whose brains aren’t starving for want of serotonin.

So, I’m conflicted, as always. But at least I have finally tamed the Dragon – more of an iguana now? Is the hedgehog of faith, a match for the iguana, a match for all, of this?