I am really quite angry today. I had an argument with one of my flatmates, F, yesterday, about a completely trivial issue – her street at home is planning a party for the Royal Wedding and she invited me and our other flatmate, A, to go for the weekend and join in. The problem I have is that the following weekend, my older sister is coming home for a visit (she moved out to Melbourne in January for work) and I want to go and see her – she was mugged at knifepoint on a business-trip to Beijing last week and the whole family is quite shaken – all three of us kids are pretty gung-ho when it comes to travel – we’ve all done quite a bit of ‘0ff-the-beaten-track’ backpacking and aside from the scary time I got stuck on the wrong side of the Cambodia-Thailand border, it’s always been fine, until now. She’s fine, but shaken and needs some TLC. I have so much to do right now in terms of academics, and probably because it’s been such a long week (I’ve been in the hospital everyday either from 8am-6pm, and until 9pm on two days), I’m feeling really stressed out and worried about everything at the moment. I said I might not go to F’s for that weekend afterall as I need the time to get stuff done, and she completely over-reacted, and massively piled on the guilt – yes, it’s just a weekend, but I don’t have that many weekends until everything has to be done and handed in, and it’s my choice anyway. I know she’s excited about the street party, but I need to put my deadlines first, and if it’s a choice between seeing my sister and going to a royalist party, I know which I’m going to chose.
She tried to apologise when I started crying, and I accepted it but told her I needed some space for a bit, leading to her getting cross again and storming out. When I’m angry, I don’t want to be around people, I need to sort my head out, and I really don’t like people in my personal space. I had plans to go for dinner for a friend’s 21st birthday, and after crying for a while, got ready, pulled myself together and had left before she came back. I was angry enough that quite frankly, I felt like seeing how much I could drink before I started to forget, which was not an intelligent idea as I’ve not drank alcohol for months. It feels quite churlish to say that actually, I had a lovely night with friends, drank too much wine, and it felt great, to get that ‘I don’t sodding care’ attitude that drinking gives me, when I’m already feeling grumpy and flippant. It felt great to feel a bit tipsy and slurred, to have a few of those silly conversations you only have when both people are a little bit disinhibited, and feeling that for once, the world slowed down a little. There’s been a lot of times in the last few months when I’ve really felt like saying, ‘shove it’ and going and drinking until I fall asleep – and I’ve never, ever given into it, partly because I don’t have time for hangovers, and also because I refuse usually to ’emotionally drink’ – as a daughter of an alcoholic, I’m all too aware of how slippery the slope it. Last night though, it felt great. Superficial, perhaps, but at least that’s something. And I know I should be ashamed of it, but I feel rebelliously defiant, which is probably not a good thing at all, but right now, I just do not care. No doubt I’ll change my tune in the next few days.
I’m hurt and angry – our other flatmate has ‘sided’ with F (it all seems so juvenile) and neither of them are really talking to me, and I don’t see what I’ve done to be honest – but everytime there’s even a hint of friction between us (which is very rare as usually, they are my best friends), A pulls out the ‘well, as you’re mentally ill, your judgement doesn’t count as much’ card, not overtly, but quite clearly there, and it (really trying not to swear here) completely annoys me. Just because I’ve got depression doesn’t invalidate me. I think I’m slipping again, and I’m getting that familiar feeling of feeling like I’m up against the world, alone, battling against all the med-school politics, and counselling, and placements, and everything else, and I could really do with them being allies at the moment, and not being ridiculous about a stupid party when no one actually cares about the royal wedding anyway. I could do with a few people onside, and at the moment, just feel let down and alone.
Sometimes, I just want to be selfish, and do what I want, or chose, and not have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. Sometimes, I want to be bloody difficult and stubborn, and bad-tempered. Sometimes, I don’t want to be the one sending a text asking if F is ok, I’d rather be throwing the mother of all hissy fits, stamping my feet, shouting at the top of my lungs, and preferably breaking some crockery, if we had any to spare. But being depressed sometimes feels like shackles about me – people in the know just put my moods down to the depression, not down to the fact they’ve actually acted unfairly and riled me up. I can’t win at the moment, I can’t win at all, and I’m so fed up of it. Depression – it tars me with its brush and pulls me down every single day. It clothes me in ire and drowns me in tempestuous waters. It just does not let go.
Sorry about the rant, I’m finishing some studying and am then going for a long run to get rid of some of my angry energy. Hope you’re having a less miffed day than I am.
Char, Since I’m American, agreeing with your position on this may not mean much, but I don’t see what’s the big deal about the royal wedding either. Sisters in need, and balancing your priorities, are much more important.
This part of your post really hit me:
“Sometimes, I just want to be selfish, and do what I want, or chose, and not have to worry about hurting people’s feelings. Sometimes, I want to be bloody difficult and stubborn, and bad-tempered. Sometimes, I don’t want to be the one sending a text asking if L is ok, I’d rather be throwing the mother of all hissy fits, stamping my feet, shouting at the top of my lungs, and preferably breaking some crockery, if we had any to spare.”
With a few minor rewordings, I could just have easily written this myself this week. The circumstances were different, but the difficult people expecting more of me were quite similar. But in the process of me feeling quite angry and frustrated, God showed me how to step into the shoes of those I was angry and frustrated with. I really didn’t want to, but He kept at me about it.
We all have our issues, including your flatmates who may be feeling hurt that you don’t have time for them and not really realizing how much you have on your plate and how it is stressing you out. We are all human, after all, living in a fallen world. But if they are truly your best friends you can’t let the devil take that away because of this misunderstanding. And you can’t let him take away what progress you have made in healing from your depression by holding on to your anger and frustration.
I am reminded of something Peter wrote:
“The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:7-8.
Sorry I always write like a whole book when I comment. It just breaks my heart to see anyone struggling with depression, and feel compelled to help and provide Godly counsel if I can. You are in my prayers. Peace, Linda
thanks Linda, I love your long and thoughtful replies! Sometimes I wonder about posting things I’ve written when I’m feeling emotional – but then, this blog is meant to be realistic and truthful, and sometimes, anger comes into that. All relationships have their moments – F is back tomorrow and we’ve had some conversation via email. It should be fine, with attention to a few more ‘ground rules’. Depression can be so hard to navigate at times. I was at church this evening and it cheered me up though, peace, xchar48
I am glad u had a chance to go out with friends and allowed yourself to drawn your sorrows for a while.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your decisions. If seeing your sister is what you want to do, that’s what you should do without feeling an ounce of guilt.
How would F like it if you told her, that in your opinion, she shouldn’t go to the party… and that she should use that time to study…..? She would not like it one bit if you stuck your nose into her business. What a never!
You go girl; do what you want to do!!!!!! Big Hugs. LS.
LS, this made me smile so much, thank you! Perhaps I need a bit more ‘girl power’ now and then…..hope you are having a good day, and thinking of you, xxchar48
Hi Char48,
I’ve been following your blog for a while now, after stumbling across it through another blog. You write beautifully and I’m impressed by your thoughtfulness and honesty. I’m hoping to start blogging soon and I know that you’re posts will give me some inspiration when I do get around to it.
I haven’t left a comment before, sorry, but this post really did resonate with me, and I hope I might be able to give you some advice. I also consider myself to be in recovery from severe depression, but for many years, before I became ill myself, I lived with a friend who was suffering very badly with depression. So, in a sense I have seen it from both sides, and this is something I try to keep in mind a lot.
I find anger one of the hardest things to tackle. But on my ‘clear thinking days’ (those days when I’m feeling calmer, more rational and can think more openly and objectively) I try to be thankful for important things, and not let my anger have the last word.
I think this post is really about friendship, something which is both brilliant and difficult. On my ‘clear thinking days’, I can remember what it felt like to be living with someone else with depression. Even now I have suffered it myself, I look back and realise how difficult it was. I sometimes felt like I was in groundhog day – never knowing what the right thing to say was, wishing desperately I could do more to help, feeling scared and overwhelmed with it.
It sounds like the last few days have been tough in the relationship with your housemates, but I hope when you are feeling less angry about it, you might be able to think differently about it. Is is not a blessing to have friends who care enough to be hurt when you can’t come to a party? Is it not a blessing to have friends who enjoy your company so much that they are disappointed not to be able to spend time with you?
I hope none of this sounds harsh! I don’t mean it to! In the last few years I have lost a couple of good friends. I guess my anger got to be too much for them; I don’t blame them because I think there is only so much someone can take, we are all human and some people have a lower threshold than others. But I desperately wish I had been able to think clearer and not let it get to the stage where I was pushing them away. You’ve written before about how life shouldn’t be lived alone. I couldnt agree more – and its easy to forget about good friends and how important they can be when things are tough.
Sometimes when we live closely with someone, we let trivial things (arguments) take over, and its difficult to take a step back and remember the bigger picture. You’ve written fondly about youre housemates in another post also, so it looks like they mean a lot to you. I have found that helping others and looking out for them can be such a good way to help yourself too. it can make you think of things differently, although its a hard thing to do on the bad days. When I feel like someone has hurt me (once I have calmed down a little!), I try to think of the reasons why the argument happened, why the other person may have been upset. If youre housemates are also students, I guess they will have their own stresses and pressures to contend with. Perhaps something has happened to them which has caused them to over react. Taking a deep breath and forcing yourself to check in with them, find out if they have had a bad day too or a tough week, can help you to feel stronger and might make them think differently about the issue too.
Trying to see the good side in people, and in difficult situations, can be the hardest thing to do when your feeling like your up against the world. But it can be such a good way of keeping you grounded at times when you feel yourself sinking. Good Friends are hard to come by (believe me i know!!), and can be such a blessing, so don’t let anger take that away.
This comment has turned out to be long, but I hope it helps. Your blog is great, I will keep reading.
All good wishes,
Ann J
Hi Ann,
thanks for taking the time to reply – one of the things I sometimes debate with myself if whether to delay posting something if it’s written off the back of something that’s shaken me a bit, or just go for it – in this instance, I decided to go for it as linked in with the week in general, although I was pretty cross when I sat down and ranted. I kind of want to make sure that this blog is an accurate log of what’s happening too – although a lot of what I write is quite faith based and comtemplative, I’m certainly not someone who is always clear minded and steady.
F and A are wonderful friends, and I don’t know where I’d be without them – but it’s a three-way thing, we support each other, and if anything, I know they would like to help more (and have occasion waded into situations trying to help without asking – not always with good outcomes, but knowing that someone is there fighting my corner when I can’t, is a real blessing). I think something the three of us struggle with is that they both come from very emotionally open families, and talking things through comes naturally to them, whereas with me, I wasn’t brought up like that at all – my family don’t really do emotion to be honest, and because of that, I often don’t bring things up when I should, and this is something they struggle to understand. Trying to get better at this, but it’s a slow process. I also know that some of the conversations we’ve had after disagreements have brought us closer together – I guess, if a friendship can withstand some pressure, it’s built to last.
F is back from home tonight so we’ll have a good chat – sometimes, having space to calm down is a good thing.
Thanks for reading for a while too, it’s good to know that people do check in and my advice would be just to start blogging – I did, without much of a plan, and just saw where it took me. Be sure to send me the link when you do get started.
xxchar