After a few more ‘thoughtful’ posts, I guess it’s time to get back into the events of every day life. Last week was hard in some ways – one of my flatmates was home for a week, and I missed her a lot; she’s the one I probably talk to most, although I love both of my flatmates dearly. My sleep isn’t great at the moment either, and I find myself waking through the night constantly, having strange and scary dreams, and of course, the dreaded early morning wakening that is such a plague to people with depression. I’m feeling tired and still so far from my goal of completing the year successfully, and have been disheartened in the last few weeks as despite their best intentions (or perhaps not even their best, in all honesty), I’ve not been given much support at all from the medical school. Sometimes, all you need is a quick email to ask how you are, and remind you that you’re on someone’s radar. It’s been hard. Going uphill gets exhausting, after a while.
This afternoon was a prime example of being a bit of a glutton for punishment. After exchanging a few emails, I arranged to meet the med school student support woman, whom I shall call THE DRAGON because she’s quite a scary lady to come up against, and fully deserves those capital letters. She is the sort of woman who, at just over five feet, can reduce the star of the medic’s male rugby team to a quibbling mess. She is not someone you talk back to, walk away from, or dare to disagree with. Not surprising perhaps, then that every time I have to walk through the DOOR OF DOOM, step into her ABODE OF TERROR and sit in the CHAIR OF DISMAY, I end up crying. And in case any of you were thinking that I’m one of those girls who looks beautiful when they cry, all soulful and radiant, I am so not like that. It’s not pretty. It’s just fairly miserable, and very messy, usually with a good dose of mascara in my eyes.
One thing I’ve become more aware of in counselling is that when it comes to authority figures, I don’t do well, and apparently this is quite characteristic of kids who grew up in families complicated by substance misuse. I’m scared of ‘important people’. I start shrinking into myself and feel like the ground is going to swallow me up. I give their opinions more weight than I often should, because I mistake competence in their field, for expertise in all fields. And well, my mental health isn’t exactly something I’m an expert in, let alone anyone else. I am scared of THE DRAGON. And yes, I’ve tried changing the metaphor and calling her the ‘CUDDLY MEDICAL SCHOOL BUNNY’ or the ‘HEDGEHOG OF PASTORAL CARE’ but that’s not who she is. She is THE DRAGON. I saw her today and after a long chat in which she kept going off topic and I kept trying to steer it back, I’ve managed to get her up to date and vaguely on side. She’s harsh -and in our first meetings when I was acutely, severely depressed, and talking a lot of nonsense (not that it seemed like that at the time) about jumping off bridges and walking into the path of buses, it was empathy and kindness that I needed, not someone shouting at me for getting myself into such a mess. Now I am that bit higher, her brash approach doesn’t completely knock me off kilter – but it did then, and I never quite know what will happen when I meet her. Unpredictable and bad-tempered, that’s THE DRAGON. Perhaps we are more similar than I would like to admit.
Immediately after seeing her, I had to dash across town for counselling. I feel a lot more at ease now that I’ve taken off the deadlines and expectations, and I think now that the pressure is off, I might be able to speak more freely. She (my counsellor) told me today that she actually grew up in a similar family to mine – and together with another mentor-friendship I formed through my church last year, this does make me think that God is so deliberately putting people who’ve been there before me, in my path to help me through. They light my way and give me that rarest glimmer of hope, that recovery might be a possibility. I asked God to signpost my way, and I think this girl I see once a week might just be that signpost, regardless of how painful it’s going to be. In addition to that, if it weren’t for the encouragement and inspiration from the young woman from my church last year, I doubt I would either be in counselling at all, and would probably have also given up on church. God puts these people in my way. It gives me that elusive glimmer of hope that sometimes seems so extraordinarily determined to hide.
I’ve said before that I don’t seem to get nudges of faith – I get bull-dozered and backed up over, flattened, and this feels like a prime example. I’m still learning to be grateful for this and to be thankful that God choses to teach me so thoroughly, but sometimes, just sometimes, a bit less of a sledgehammer approach would be nice. I’ve had so many years of feeling completely alone thanks to the secrecy that surrounds drinking in family systems, and, though it’s so strange, dizzying, sitting with someone who understands in a way so few do, I think this might be good for me. It’s strange, trying to stop defining myself as someone perpetually, predestined to be, alone. Life – too beautiful, too painful, to attempt alone. It feels so alien, so out-of-depth, as though the ground has been snatched from beneath my feet, like running on a treadmill and losing pace, and stumbling down. It feels so awful to speak honestly – like when you graze a knee, and the air feels so cold on it that it stings all the more, but here, and now, it’s my heart that I’ve scraped the protective layer from, that is sitting open to the world. It hurts, this life. It hurts.
I know from how much I still want to run and hide and not-talk about the years my dad was drinking, and getting on and off the sobriety wagon, that these issues are things I’m going to have to address. I’m going to have to face up. I’m afraid, very afraid. I don’t know how to peel back all the layers covering up how I really feel about it. I don’t know how to scour it clean. I’ve pushed so much away for so long that I hardly recognise myself, when I look back. It’s going to take some bravery, and when it comes to courage, it’s a matter of how long you can hold on for. Can I be brave for another hour, another day, week or month? Can I hold on? Can I stop my courage disappearing? You can be a little bit, or a lot, afraid, but if you’re being as brave as you can, that’s all you can do. You just have to keep it going, keep it burning, stop yourself breaking. I’m going to need bravery for this. Ephesians 6:14-18 comes to mind.
How do you keep yourself brave?
Char, You only need bravery for today. Matthew 6:34 comes to mind: “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” When tomorrow comes, God will give you the bravery you need, just as He gave you the bravery you needed today to get out of bed, to face THE DRAGON, and to sit through counseling without crawling under a couch cushion.
And for the record, I think the woman who is pretty when she cries is a myth. But I also know that when we cry, God stores up our tears and remembers them. Check out this post I wrote once about what God does with our tears: http://lindakruschke.wordpress.com/2010/04/12/tears-in-a-bottle/
You continue to be in my prayers. You are on my radar (and God’s, too). Peace, Linda
thanks Linda, I’d forgotten about that verse – similar to the verse in James 5 too. every blessing, xxchar48
You have a surplus of bravery; you just don’t always recognize it yet.
You already have an advantage over The Dragon. You know what she is like, and know mostly what to expect when you get in touch with her. It will help to take a step back and review the situation from another perspective. Regardless of how scary she seems to you right now, it is in your best interest to take the control back from her. Because that seems to be what you have done, allow her to take control over you.
You know that somewhere in there, there has to be something GOOD about her. She could even be completely oblivious as to how she comes across when you seek her advice. And maybe she has suffered too in the past, and it has made her a little ‘rough around the edges.’ Part of learning to be a Christian is recognizing that there is something good in everyone. Some times we need to look for it a little bit harder in some people.
So, she is your “Med school student support counselor”. Yes, you are going through depression, and it is making your cognitive thinking more exhausting and confusing. Is she aware of your depression? I believe you said she is. What is her roll in your life? Is she there to help you choose your upcoming courses? Is she there to guide you as you go through your studies… if your grades are low… if you are having problems with a professor or doctor? Is it her job to advice you in such situations? I ask these questions because I can tell by some of the words you have used, that you live some place in Europe. Correct me if I am wrong.
Here in the USA, a student support counselor is not like a mental health therapist. I mentioned this because you wrote about going across town for ‘counseling’, which I interpret that to be ‘therapy’. The points I mentioned above are the things expected of a student counselor here in the USA. Yes, it is wise that you told her about your depression and the implications it could bring to your studies. But it will be more realistic not to expect much empathy or requests from your school as to the progress of your mental health welfare. That will happen if you were in high school, but not necessarily in med school.
And for those times when you need support and empathy, you have your counselor, your friends, your flatmates, your church groups, support groups. You develop a plan who to call first, or second when you know you are going to need extra support. You tell them ‘I’m having a rough day, do you mind checking on me later today?’, and there are going to be times that you are going to ask a friend if it is okay for you to go over to sleep… don’t want to be alone… With time you will become more proficient handling the rough times. Trust me.
I will agree with you that NO ONE has a right to shout, scream, or belittle you under any circumstances. On moments like these you HAVE to take the control back. You do it calmly, respectfully, with a low voice, but assertively.
You take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and calmly say:
“I realize that this could be frustrating to you, or perhaps before I came in you were already experiencing some form of frustration of your own, but I will greatly appreciate it if when you talk to me, you do it with a lower tone of voice and treat me with respect. I will never raise my voice at you, or any one else, nor will I ever put you down because of your actions. Can we please agree to treat each other respectfully?”
These are incredible powerful words, and in my experience, they have always disarmed the other person. It always works! You have to practice saying them out loud. You say you are intimidated by authority figures. Stand in front of a mirror and watch yourself as you practice these new words. Practice them a hundred times a day, if that is what it takes to make you feel comfortable. Practice with your friends, with your flatmates. And later, as the opportunities arise, you will learn new things to say: “You seem preoccupied… It looks like you are under some stress right now… would you like to reschedule for a time when we can talk more comfortably?”
What is the worse thing that she can do to you? Can she kick you out of med school? Can she mess with your grades so that it looks like you are failing in every class? What is this hold you believe she has over you?
So there you are:
– You are incredibly brave. That is why you have made it this far.
– You have an advantage over her. You already know her.
– Find something good about her.
– Figure out what is her roll in your life.
– Figure out what is the worse thing she can do to you.
– Develop your support plan.
– Practice assertiveness. Maintain your control.
– Continue sharing with your counselor. Your life will eventually feel lighter.
And don’t get overwhelmed. Everything you practice here you will use with all your future relationships, including at work.
Hugs. 🙂
thanks LS, for taking the time to write such a lovely reply.
THE DRAGON works bith as an anatomist at the medical school, and also site on all the fitness to practise councils and exam boards. When students have needs that go beyond what their director of studies (an academic you see yearly, supposedly, to keep tabs), we get referred to her. So, she knows all about the last few months, and I have to meet her every few weeks (when she bothers to reply to my emails). So, she is actually an important person to stay on the right side of – having her in favour makes things a lot easier when it comes to getting placements in my city and not the peripheral hospitals, and if I ever had to go in front of the committees that look into whether students are fit to practise medicine (hoping this never happens, but you never know). She also oversees some aspects of job applications. She is meant to be there to support students – it’s what she’s paid for, afterall, but she’s not that great at replying and giving answers to questions. I do try to see the good in her – and I think she probably just doesn’t realise how she comes across – but then, I don’t always think that’s an excuse. We as students have to reflect constantly on how we interact with others, are percieved, and how to improve this. I do pray for her though (I always try to pray for people I don’t see eye to eye with) and I do try to find a common angle – but I think we’re just quite different sorts of people. She’s a funny one. The medical schools here are supposed to make an effort to be supportive, and some members of staff are brilliant – it’s quite different to other degrees, after all, and after a yearmate of mine killed herself last year, it’s meant to be a topic that is well addressed.
And you’re correct in thinking I’m in the UK – so my ‘counsellor’ is what you would call a ‘therapist’. I am slowly learning to use friends to pick me up when I’m low, and am fortunate that I have some seriously fantastic friends who make time for me.
I hope you’re having a good day, and am praying for you, xxchar48
Char, Your reply here made me think of another verse, Nehemiah 1:10-11:
10 “They are your servants and your people, whom you redeemed by your great strength and your mighty hand. 11 Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.”
Whenever I need to have someone to be on my side for something, I pray this prayer, asking God to grant me favor in their eyes. I’ve seen the answer to this prayer many times. It would be a good one to pray concerning the Dragon, since you need her favor to get the placements, etc., that you desire. Peace, Linda
i’m often too proud, too arrogant, lacking wisdom, misdirected, banking on the wrong bank and more – none of which shows much bravery. keeping things as real as possible for myself, yes humble if i’m blessed to b that at the time, turning my face toward God even though i see so dimly, self-care including taking responsibility for where i’m at “right now.”
thank u for your lovely self that inspired me today to reflect and clearly has the same effect on many others. keep on.
Hi Sara, thanks for your comment, I’m loving your blog by the way – so impressed that you’ve made it into the 200’s! Incredble.